"But their teacher says that everything is fine" - Six reasons why your child's teacher isn't seeing the same challenges at school.

This is a regular comment from parents to health professionals. It often comes with confusion about contrasting descriptions of their child at home compared to school.

At home, you may be seeing heightened emotions, big reactions, snappy responses, irritability, difficulty engaging in homework tasks, and more movement seeking with their body. However, when you mention these to your child's teacher, they look at you with surprise and note that your child engages well in all aspects of school and hasn't raised any concerns.

Below we explore six common reasons for the disparity between what the teacher is reporting and what you experience and understand of your child:

1. Masking We are recognising this more than ever before: the conscious effort to act, react, and be just like 'everyone else' (the neurotypical norm). This can include holding in a natural reaction to something because it's not how one's peers would react, watching and trying to mimic ways of interacting socially, not engaging in sensory or regulation movement through fear of judgement, and much more. Masking can result in teachers not observing the differences and challenges experienced by your child. Masking is also tiring, contributing to the exhaustion that they bring home (discussed further in point 3 below).
   

2. Bringing their 'A-game' Some children enjoy the predictability and security that rules bring. They prefer to follow the rules (and may enforce this on others too!) which is a teachers dream! Other children also like to please others and are diligent in doing what will make their teacher happy. These children will bring and use all of their best resources at school, leaving them with minimal left for when they get back home; again, causing teachers to see a very different picture to what you do at home.

   
   

3. Exhaustion: mental, emotional & social. Even if your child isn't a avid rule-follower or people pleaser, they are still working very hard to get through the school day. There are various academic, behavioural, and social demands placed on them daily.

   1. They are using their mental energy not only in academic learning but in remembering and managing everything in their day (e.g. what to bring to which class, etc.).

   2. For many children, their emotional tolerance is stretched as they face irritations, frustrations, worries, and stresses throughout their day and have to manage each of these.

   3. School is a very social setting, with teachers, peers, friendships to navigate, and various types of interactions to engage in.

      
      

      For children who find focusing on learning or being organised harder, who experience big emotions, and who find social interactions particularly tiring, a school day can leave them utterly exhausted! This is more common for neurodivergent students. They will come home with little energy to face anything (e.g. irritable, emotional, tired, unable to focus, sensory seeking) and need recovery (e.g. low stimulation, seek quiet, need space, etc). However, the teacher doesn't see most of this.
      

4. Feeling safe with you at home.

   You have always been their safe person and home is their safe place. Most children are lucky to know that their mum/dad/carer will always be there to catch their emotions, to hug them when they need, and will be there unconditionally. This means that when they get home (or commonly in the car at pick-up) they can let their guard down, off-load the frustrations/stresses/emotions of the day, and be themselves. After a day of masking, bringing their A-game, and exhausting themselves, they need to recover. The teacher doesn't hold this deep comfort for your child and often won't see the needs that you do after school.

   
   

5. Teachers are overseeing 20-30 children. This needs less explanation, but just a reminder that the classroom teacher won't be able to observe your child as closely as you do. They are carrying many more students in their mind, and may not 'connect-the-dots' as quickly as you do. Also, they hold expertise in education more so than in childhood development and health.

   
   

6. Secondary school = less contact.

   It is often much harder for a secondary school teacher to notice the more subtle differences and challenges for your child as they have less contact with them. Most teachers will only teach your child for 1-2 subjects. There is also often less individualised attention as they move to more whole-class lessons. For these reasons, it is more common for students, particularly with more internalised differences, to not get noticed by teachers in secondary school.

   
   
   
   

Here we have covered some of the most common reasons why teachers don't always communicate the same concerns as parents. Understanding these factors can assist you in facilitating conversations with those supporting them.